In defense of frozen pizza…

“My name is Brian and I’m a pizza-holic…Hi, Brian.” Sad, but true. There are so very few things you can count on in this world. (If you’re in doubt, just check out your local meteorologist’s forecast track record. That’s where the real job security is. ) Pizza, more specifically in its frozen-store-bought form, has always been there for me. Maybe it’s just a case of lowered expectations, but there’s something comforting about frozen pizza. It was there when I was a kid, as a teen, and it’s still there for me as an adult. Now that I think about it, I don’t even think comfort food was an actual term for a good deal of those years. Hmm. While some of your more uppity “foodies” will describe it as not unlike cardboard, I disagree. Somebody has to be buying the stuff, right? I mean you could stop in a grocery store somewhere in the Andromeda Galaxy and pizza would have its own section in the frozen food aisle.

The different brand names of pizza are always interesting, too. When I was growing up it seems like Tony’s was a popular choice in our house. As I got older, my friends and I bought Totino’s. I think Totino’s and Jeno’s are actually associated with the same company — or is it “companino”? Tony’s pizza box has the dark haired/mustachioed chef in the white hat and apron. I assume he’s supposed to look Italian, but I’m surprised companies are actually allowed to do that nowadays. I’m pretty sure it’s politically incorrect and it may even be a party foul. Associating an Italian food with an Italian person is probably offensive to somebody. Check your rule books.

Another popular frozen pizza brand is Tombstone. (This is the part where you can insert your own punchline about the health benefits of frozen pizza — or just wonder how they came up with that catchy name.) Another one, while tasty, is Jack’s. How long did it take the marketing department to come up with that one? Did they have a marketing test group to decide on the name? “Well, we considered several names, but we ran into copyright issues with names like Jumbo’s, Rambo’s, and Bilbo’s. Then there was Tyson’s – the Pizza with Punch. It didn’t test well with the soccer moms. ”

Here’s my pitch for a new brand and style of pizza. Why can’t you throw the idea of super sizing into frozen pizza? I suppose most frozen pizzas are designed to fit into a standard size oven, but why not make it even bigger? How about a special custom oven for super sized pizzas? I’m not sure about copyright issues, but I’m going to suggest Paul Bunyan Pizza. The slogan will be “Put A Bunyan in Ya Oven.”

There are also the “healthy pizza” options from various different companies. To each their own, but that’s not for me — I’m a traditionalist. Give me a pepperoni or a pepperoni/sausage combo. Is it really pizza if it’s good for you? I mean, especially in its frozen form. Playing Russian Roulette with your digestive system is part of the fun. Sure it’s a trade off. It’s cheaper than delivery, but it does take the effort of throwing it in the oven and trying not to burn it. To paraphrase Patrick Henry, “Give me frozen pizza or give me death!”

Till next time, keep your frozen Mojo on the Horizon.

7 thoughts on “In defense of frozen pizza…

  1. Frozen pizza is also cheap as heck and like you said you can add items at will to make it better. I usually buy cheese pizza and add mushrooms, green peppers, olives, onions, and pineapple if I have it. Then of course I sprinkle it with crushed red peppers. Hey, I got a tip from Irene at My Slice of Mexico that I’ve adopted with my pizza eating: worcestershire sauce! OMG it makes good pizza taste divine!


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