In an effort to ward off “corona-tation” (the condition of vegetating in front of the TV while trying to avoid coronavirus), a friend of mine and I went for a stroll in the park Sunday afternoon. The weather was relatively mild with little wind. I would guess we walked maybe two miles on the county park trail when, all of a sudden, a moment of intense panic came over me. I had my wallet and keys in my pockets, but NO CELL PHONE!! I knew I brought it with me because I had just taken a pic of an unusual-looking-yet-artistic frog tree. My friend took my keys to the car to try calling from her phone while I trekked back in what can only be described as an angry Sherlock Holmes mode. I checked all along the trail, but it was nowhere to be found. The trail basically came to a dead end at a parks maintenance hub with dump trucks and junk like that. I thought that it HAD to be where it fell out of my pocket, but I had no such luck.
Next, I stopped along the trail where my friend showed me what “polk salad” looks like. (We had just watched “Ford vs. Ferrari” the previous night and they played parts of the song “Polk Salad Annie” throughout the film.) I’m sure I still couldn’t identify “polk salad” if it was right in front of me. Nevertheless, I was trying to “Keep Calm and Carry On” when I remembered a spot where I veered off the beaten path to skip a stone in the nearby lake. And there it was. My less than a month old cell phone in the blue protective case was lying face down in the grass with the little light glowing. It still had a charge and it still worked!! As I picked it up, I saw my friend dutifully tried to call me 26 times. Then I thought I saw something move in the distance.
I heard a faint noise and then saw something I couldn’t believe — It was a real, live Bigfoot or Sasquatch. I couldn’t believe my eyes! My jaw was probably on the ground. It was tall and hairy, but the hair on top of its head was pulled into a sort of top knot thing like Gene Simmons from KISS. What was even MORE shocking was it spoke to me.
Sasquatch: Look, I shouldn’t be talking to you, but I heard you make a remark about lake monsters so you seemed pretty cool to me. Don’t even think about asking me for a selfie either.
Author: (Gulp.) Ummm, no problem. I just wanted to find my phone. I didn’t know you guys could talk.
Sasquatch: Humans and their phones! Yeah, there’s plenty of things we can do. We’re not like those barking Wookies in the Star Wars movies. We just like to keep to ourselves.
Author: Yeah, I can relate. You’ve seen Star Wars?
Sasquatch: The first three. My “kind” think Lucas is pretty typical of humans. Innovative, but greedy. I mean how many “pre-quels” do we need anyway? Don’t get me started on the merchandising.
Author: Yeah, I hear you. Sorry, I’m a little freaked out….
Sasquatch: It’s cool. Who’s been trying to call you anyway? Let me guess…CVS Pharmacy?
Author: (Nervously laughing). Well they do call a lot, but my friend was helping me look for the phone. You guys are into movies?
Sasquatch: Yeah, it’s an interesting glimpse into your culture. Some are better than others.
Author: How do you stay so hidden? I mean, I can’t believe this is happening, but it’s daylight and you’re just out in the open…
Sasquatch: Have you seen “Predator”?
Sasquatch: Another good example…The first one was good. The spider-faced dude was creative, and Arnold was, too… but HOW MANY stinking sequels do you really need? Anyway, most of the time we have that sort of super camouflage force-field thing. You know what I mean?
Author: Yeah, that makes sense. Great blue herons have some serious camouflage, too. They’re large birds, but they just blend right into the background. I guess it’s like that.
Sasquatch: Yeah, herons are cool.
Author: So.. what’s your favorite movie?
Sasquatch: The Big Lebowski.
Author: Really? I love that movie.
Sasquatch: Somebody just left a bootleg VHS copy of it out by cousin’s place. I also found Bob Dylan’s “John Wesley Harding” on cassette out there. My cousin is one of those publicity hounds. You know that whole MoMo the Monster thing?
Author: Yeah, I remember that. I was just a kid then.
Sasquatch: Your media people are about as bad as ours. What kind of a name is MoMo? Pretty stupid. Anyway, I gotta get going, but I’m glad you found your phone. You’re lucky to have a friend who will call 26 times to help you and harass everyone walking down the path about your cell phone.
Author: Yeah, you’re right. Man, I can’t believe this is happening! You have media outlets?
Sasquatch: We do. They leave a lot to be desired. You know you’re also lucky you didn’t leave that empty energy drink can out here either. Looks like you were thinking about it.
Author: You saw that? Yeah, I was pissed at myself for losing the phone.
Sasquatch: Dude, it’s only a phone. I gotta jet.
Author: You’re right. Hey, are you guys affected by the virus?
Sasquatch: Not like you guys are, but you’re gonna be fine.
Sasquatch: Yeah. Just tell them Sasquatch told you so. I’m sure that will go over. Peace!
…and just like that he vanished back into the woods, and I guess his camouflage force field. I still had so many questions… Why the Gene Simmons styled top knot? I mean, is he a KISS fan, too? What does he think about their merchandising? They have their own Sasquatch Media Network? Do they have digital? I mean he kept talking about cassettes and VHS tapes. I gotta say he wasn’t what I expected, but it was definitely cool. I wonder if I ‘ll see him again…St. Sasquatch, The Patron Saint of Cell Phones Lost in the Woods.
Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!