31 Flavors…of Vanilla?

2024 is fast approaching and ice cream is on my mind. Sometime in my twenties I started having that whole lactose intolerance issue and I said goodbye to the creamy treat for many years. Now, we have a lot more lactose-free options than we did in the past. However, it can be slightly overwhelming. (More in a moment.)

Given the choice, I usually opt for vanilla over chocolate. I like the creamy taste and always put mine in the microwave for a few seconds to soften it and give it that melty sensation I love. Just in case you’re wondering, the song “Ice Cream Man” made famous by Van Halen was originally written and recorded by a guy named John Brim.

During the past few years, Breyer’s Lactose-Free Vanilla has become my personal favorite; however, you have to be careful in the ice cream aisle and REALLY pay close attention. My pseudo-extensive research has revealed not quite one billion variations on Breyer’s Vanilla. Here are just a few of them:

Breyer’s Extra Creamy Vanilla — Hmmm….sounds like my style, but it has lactose?
Breyer’s Carb Smart Vanilla — Carb reduction is good. Okay, I get it.
Breyer’s Homemade Vanilla — Ummm..does this mean the others are industrial made?
Breyer’s Natural Vanilla – I’m not sure how this different from homemade. Is a churn used in one of these? If so, are we talking billions of individual churns or one the size of Shea Stadium? Maybe there’s a Greek myth about it. Didn’t someone have to churn something into something else for some reason or another?
Breyer’s Non-Dairy Vanilla — Wait a damn minute….what’s the difference between non-dairy and lactose-free? Will eating this put me on a watch list?
Breyer’s French Vanilla – Do I have to wear a beret when I eat it or do they only use French cows? Maybe when French cows are in short supply, they make American cows wear berets.
Breyer’s Gluten Free Vanilla – What’s good for the gluten is good for the gander?

Whew….that’s exhausting. I’m pretty sure I saw “oat milk” mentioned on one of the numerous choices, but I have absolutely no idea what oat milk is. By the way, I checked out the company website. The dude’s name was Breyer, but I don’t see an apostrophe on the box. I hope this doesn’t ruin my B average for punctuation. Also, Baskin Robbins used to be known for 31 flavors, but now they have over one thousand. I wonder why I’d like to drop a few pounds.

Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!

Sea Serpents & River Jaws

Maybe I have an overactive imagination, but I love a good story about the unexplained including monster mythology and cryptozoology. If you look into some of these great stories, their origins might be a way to explain something in nature. What causes thunder? Oh yeah, it’s a Thunderbird — a gigantic bird flapping its wings. That’s a fairly reasonable explanation. It’s not like meteorology is an exact science anyway, is it?

Recently, I watched a couple of interesting documentaries. The first one is called “Giant Sea Serpent, Meet the Myth.” It was written and directed by Bertrand Loyer and focuses on The Giant Oarfish as one rational explanation for “sea serpents.”

This species has several cool nicknames like “King of the Herrings” and there’s a Japanese one as well. In Japanese mythology, the appearance is supposed to announce the coming of an earthquake. I have to say seeing one of those alive or dead would freak me out.

Speaking of getting freaked the Hell out, what would you do if you saw a fish pop out of the river and onto the shore….to EAT a bird? Yikes! Another program written and directed by Bertrand Loyer is called “River Jaws: Le silure, l’ogre de nos rivières” and addresses just this phenomenon. Apparently, the Wels Catfish is this real life “River Jaws.” Take it away, Jimi.

The voiceover on this second documentary is appropriately dramatic. It would probably go over well on Halloween.

Are these scary fish the reason why pirates and fishermen drink so much? Can’t blame ’em. Wels Catfish may be found in different sections of Europe including France’s Saint-Cassien Lake. Wikipedia mentioned they can also be found in Chernobyl. That’s a sci-fi movie waiting to happen! Maybe they could do an Alien vs. Predator thing like “Giant Oarfish vs. Radioactive River Jaws.”

Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!

Bizzaro in Buffalo

Vincent Gallo is a name you won’t forget if you ever get a chance to watch him in Buffalo ’66 — a film which he wrote, directed, and in which he also starred. The late 90s film is most definitely an offbeat one.

As the name implies, the film is set in Buffalo, New York. It opens with Billy Brown (Gallo) being released from prison, hopping the last bus into town, and then frantically searching for a bathroom when he arrives. Gallo then encounters a blonde tap dancer named Layla played by then 17-year-old Christina Ricci. At one point, Ricci does a scene with King Crimson’s “Moonchild” playing in the background.

The volatile Billy basically kidnaps Layla …so she can pose as his wife. Then the mind-bending drama unfolds as he unleashes his wrath on her and anyone else he encounters including his mother (played by Anjelica Huston).

The rest of the outstanding cast included Ben Gazzara, Kevin Corrigan, Mickey Rourke, and many more. If you can’t stand arguing, you won’t like this film because there is plenty of hostility in it. The Buffalo Bills are also a big part of the film’s look and color scheme. A few surreal scenes remind me of some of David Lynch’s films. It’s hard to categorize. You just have to experience it.

Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!

Billy, Rikki, and Weird Al

Don’t ask me why, but a Phil Collins song from the 1980s popped into my head this morning. The song I mentioned was released as “Don’t Lose My Number” most places, but as “(Billy) Don’t Lose My Number” in Australia.

Give the Aussies credit for getting the accurate song title. I wonder who was responsible for that? I watched part of the official video and it’s parody-centric. From what I read, Collins said he just improvised the lyrics so there may not be an actual Billy. When I was typing this blog entry, I accidentally typed “Lumber” instead of “Number”, which could make for a great Weird Al song.

Mr. Yankovic aside, this song made me think of “Rikki Don’t Lose that Number” by Steely Dan. I was never a big fan of theirs, but definitely heard them on classic rock radio.

From the little research I did, there might have been a real Rikki. Naturally, that’s debatable. I have a better appreciation for Steely Dan than I used to — I think that stems from their jazz influences. I think they were too mellow for me as a teenager. The catchy bass part was apparently from “Song for my Father” by Horace Silver.

Maybe my musical taste has changed a bit over the years or I’ve gotten a little more patient. I like the Horace song.

For the heck of it, I searched for “lose my number songs” and found another one. It’s called “Baby Don’t You Lose My Number” by Darren Jay and the Delta Souls.

This song has some Jerry Lee Lewis style piano and great guitar tone in it. Apparently, Darren Jay is based in Chicago.

Because of texting technology, I don’t know that losing someone’s number is much of an issue these days but losing your cell phone is cause for a complete meltdown.

Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!

Keep on Chuckin’

Once upon a time in the mid to late 80s, I got my driver’s license. During one weekend outing with my buddies, we had enough dudes for two different cars. One friend was driving his 1967 Candy Apple Red Mustang while I drove my parents’ light blue import. The plan was simple enough. Our second stop would be at Chuck-A-Burger Drive In Restaurant, but the first stop would be a separate event at the home of Bigfoot (the monster truck).

If you missed out on this era of entertainment, you might need to find a VCR to play 1985’s “Battle of the Monster Trucks.”

I told my buddy with the Mustang that I had to follow him to Chuck-A-Burger because I didn’t know the way there. Naturally, he made a last minute hairpin turn and I lost him. One of my other friends knew the way so we chugged a long separately. We actually made it there and I turned into the only entrance into the burger joint’s parking lot…only to find myself driving the 80s model Mazda in the middle of a classic car cruise. Call it, “Right Place Wrong Time.”

As I cursed my heavy footed friend in the Mustang, people at the cruise started booing. I remedied the situation by honking the horn in protest back at them. (My friend in the back seat suggested it.) Fortunately, that was the end of that chapter.

Things have changed over the years. Bigfoot has migrated from suburban Hazelwood, Missouri to the country comforts of Pacific, MO. Chuck-A-Burger is still open at the same location. Perhaps I should petition them for a plaque?

Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!

Trash Bags – The Tribute

Yes, it’s true…trash bags are on my mind. My recent store-bought purchase has got me thinking about them.

First of all, does anyone really enjoy grocery shopping? I mean, you go to the store and they’re out of this and that. Then what do you do?? During my last outing, the cashier and the person behind me were both wearing surgical masks. Since it’s football season, you might say they were in a “COVID-prevent” defense. I was at one of the dollar-ish stores. Don’t ask which one because they seem to be dollar and a quarter-ish anyway. I was out of trash bags so I grabbed a box of them. Then I grabbed two more, which brings me to The Coasters.

When I got home, I realized my less than detailed purchase left me with 3 boxes of extremely thin, white plastic bags which seemed to be un-openable. I had to text a friend of mine and she had the wherewithal to tell me to moisten my fingers to open them. Success!

This got me thinking about all of the different styles and options….drawstring bags, scented bags, flexible bags, 13 gallon bags, white bags, some dark colored bags which are most likely green or black…it’s a bit overwhelming. It also reminded me of an episode of “The A-Team.” I was probably in 7th or 8th grade when this episode aired. One of my classmates asked me what I did the previous night. When I told him that I watched that show, he started imitating Howling Mad Murdock from the same program. Spoilers ahead.

This episode might seem a bit out of context, but it was hilarious. Just when I thought Trash Bags – The Tribute was over, I found a song inspired by the same episode:

https://murdockstrashbag.bandcamp.com/track/trash-bags

Naturally, you can also buy a Howling Mad Murdock action figure as well — something I completely support.

Parting thoughts:

Shouldn’t there be a White Trash brand of bags?
Should I have included the song “Trashy Women” by Confederate Railroad?
Why wasn’t Tom Bosley involved?

So what’s the moral of the story? Some people use trash bags to escape from prison, the rest of us are just schlubs in grocery stores.

Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!

Freaky Film Characters

October is officially here. I’ve never been a big horror fan film, but that doesn’t mean characters in other genre films can’t freak you out. Here are some thoughts on characters from some films that have left a lasting impression on me one way or another. Some are mainstream, some aren’t.

Daniel Simpson Day or “D-Day” from 1978’s Animal House:

I think the mystery about this character appeals to me. “Daniel Simpson Day has no grade point average.” Not only that, but he’s a little scary…maybe it’s the facial hair or just his overall vibe. He’s kind of like a friend of your friend’s older brother that just scares the sh*t of you. I mean, where does this guy live…where did he grow up…what makes him like that? Naturally, he knows how to use a blow torch. Played by Bruce McGill.

2. Kid with Goggles from 1983’s “A Christmas Story”:

Another classic movie with some absolutely freaky characters in it, but none as freaky (or funny) as this kid. I’ve always loved this short scene because it’s not only so random, but I feel like it’s the kind of thing that only happens to me. His delivery is spot on creep-tastic. Played by David Svoboda.

3.Cockeye from 1983’s Once Upon a Time in America:

Besides the eye, I’m not sure there was anything overly freaky about this character from this epic Sergio Leone gangster saga. Maybe it was just actor William Forsythe’s own freaky vibe that went along with him. I honestly thought Forsythe had a cockeye and I freaked out when I realized it was an act years later. The character also had his own theme, which was pretty freaky. Thank you, Ennio Morricone.

By the way, Forsythe went to freak me out again with his portrayal of serial killer John Wayne Gacy years later. I might have to blog about that one in the future.

4. Mike McAllister from 2006’s Foot Fist Way:

I absolutely have to blog about this movie because it is insanely funny. Jody Hill plays this Tae Kwon Do practitioner who is just ever so slightly “off” in the funniest ways possible. The DVD extras are awesome. If you’ve ever tried a martial art, it’s a must see. Hill also directed this film with his hilarious co-stars Danny McBride and Ben Best.

5. Brian Shute from 1985’s Vision Quest:

There are antagonists and then there are ANTAGONISTS! I’ve previously blogged about this film. It’s about a high school wrestler on his own personal vision quest, but I don’t think I have given enough credit to actor Frank Jasper who played the stoic, but self-motivated nemesis to the main character. “You can’t hold your mud. You’re a bleeder and I like to see blood.” Shute’s memorable training scene was set up perfectly and left a lasting impression on me. I found a YouTube video about the actual log used in this scene.

By the way, how much munch could an Edvard Munch, if an Edvard could munch Munch?

Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!

Blue Raspberry Lemonade?

We all have our favorite flavors of this and that…breakfast cereals, ice cream, chewing gum, and even alcoholic beverages. I don’t know where and when it happened, but it’s a bit overwhelming when you get down to it. During my college years, it seems like your primary beer choices were something like Bud, Busch, Bud Light, and Coors Light. (Busch Light was an innovation then. For some reason, it didn’t seem like plain old Coors was on the radar.) In any event, things have definitely changed.

A few years ago, I had a part-time job working at the local stadium where our Major League Soccer Team plays. I worked in the warehouse and we had a room full of liquor which was kept under lock and key. One time I was sent to get a bottle of Vodka. I had an epiphany when I saw shelves full of different brands like Smirnoff, Svedka, Absolut, and Tito’s. It’s not so much that the choice of BRANDS was overwhelming, but they each had AT LEAST A DOZEN FLAVORED CHOICES: orange, strawberry, watermelon, raspberry, green apple, peppermint, peach, pineapple, whipped cream, caramel, cherry, and blueberry. The only appropriate tribute song I can think of is “Tutti Frutti” by Little Richard.

By the way, Smirnoff has a “Blue Raspberry Lemonade” flavor. I’m not kidding. Who exactly thought of that? I’ve never tried it, but it just seems a little too specific to me. Was it a scientist locked in a secret underground Eastern European laboratory….was it the CEO’s daughter-in-law…or an overpaid marketing moron? Also, what exactly is “citrus” flavor versus orange, lemon-lime, or pineapple? Shouldn’t lemon and lime be offered as separate flavors just in case the options aren’t diverse enough as is? If you’d rather avoid the whole tropical citrus thing, you might sleep better tonight knowing there is “Hard Truth Cinnamon Vodka.” Sounds like a good excuse to play Neil Young and Crazy Horse’s “Cinnamon Girl.”

Again, I’ve never tried it, but it’s out there. There’s also an Australian company called Newy Distillery which sells a Banana Vodka. I didn’t know Australia was known for its bananas, but maybe kangaroos carry them around — you know, their joeys leave the pouch and then they’re in the mood to drink, right? Or maybe they just do an Uber kind of thing with wayward chimpanzees? In addition, I didn’t know Australia was known for chimps. I don’t really even seek out Vodka as a drink, but I actually have some Burnett’s Vanilla Vodka. How did this happen?

Shifting from Vodka to beer, when did “Summer Shandy” become a thing? I’d love to put a couple of current 21-year-olds in a time machine and send them to a 1980s college party. I think they’d be in for some puzzled looks when they request any drink with tapioca in it.

Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!

Bronson-Buffalo Battle Royal

I could have sworn I already blogged about this film, but I guess I haven’t. Apparently, this was Perennial Badass Charles Bronson’s last Western film. He was in some big ones, but 1977’s “The White Buffalo” was the end of that era for him. I discovered this film purely by accident. It came as a result of “Sleeping with the Television On.” Thanks, Billy Joel.

I woke up on the couch and saw this massive white buffalo charging around and making, you know, buffalo noises via the TV. I had to wonder if this was real or if I was still asleep. I read a couple of reviews of “The White Buffalo.” One described it as surreal while another compared it to the Western version of Herman Mehlville’s “Moby Dick.” It’s part monster movie, part Western, part anthropology class, and definitely different.

Apparently, the film was based on a story by pulp writer Richard Sale. I won’t get deep into the whole plot, but Wild Bill Hickock and Crazy Horse end up simultaneously hunting this great beast. It’s a creative storyline. Ted Nugent wasn’t involved, but he might as well have been.

This film’s special effects aren’t exactly award winners, but the soundtrack by John Barry definitely adds some eerie atmosphere to it. One confusing thing is Bronson’s dark hair doesn’t exactly scream “Wild Bill” to me as a viewer, but I enjoyed six-foot-five Native American Will Sampson in the film.

This film will never have mainstream wide appeal because it is definitely offbeat. I think a remake with CGI effects might be interesting. The only remaining question is who would win a battle royal with all of the aforementioned names: Charles Bronson, Ted Nugent, Billy Joel, Herman Mehlville, etc.

Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!

Great Burton’s Ghost!

There are a few different definitions to choose from, but the term “hesher” is basically a derogatory term for heavy metal fan — you know, the die-hard, long-haired, bad attitude type of dude. I suppose the loud and aggressive music might be considered a lifestyle for some.

It’s also the name of an off the wall 2010 film directed by Spencer Susser. “Hesher” stars Devin Brochu as a scrappy middle school kid who is just trying to survive after the death of his mother. Through seemingly random circumstance, he bumps into Hesher — a heavy metal dude who has absolutely no filter and zero impulse control. Hesher is brilliantly played Jospeh Gordon-Levitt. Apparently, the late Metallica bass player Cliff Burton was a big stylistic influence on this character. One of the many metal songs on the soundtrack is “The Shortest Straw” by Metallica.

Hesher doesn’t have a subtle bone in his body.. .he just sort of drops into this kid’s world and stays there. For example, Hesher’s midriff tattoo is a stick figure man blowing his brains out. The tattoo on his back is a gigantic fist with its middle finger extended. If none of that interests you, the rest of the cast might — Natalie Portman plays a mousy cashier and Rainn Wilson plays the kid’s father.

There are a lot of angry, dysfunctional characters in this film, but they’re also very human. While I enjoy the drama and the characters, I will say this is not a film for the squeamish. I would consider survival and dealing with death two of the main themes of Hesher.

Till next time, keep your Mojo on the Horizon!